Friday, March 04, 2005

How to Drive Me Crazy in 3 Easy Steps

Image via

If you hear an emergency vehicle's siren and every human comes to a stand still in an intersection except you...make sure you slow down and stop directly in front of the EMU and stare for a brief moment at the Paramedic before GETTING OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY.

If you're looking for a parking spot, in a completely deserted parking lot, make sure that you have your bass turned up so that it shakes my car, and I can't hear my own radio over your music....and then PARK RIGHT NEXT TO ME, CLOSE ENOUGH SO THAT I HAVE TO SQUEEZE OUT OF THE DRIVERS SIDE TO GET OUT OF MY CAR.
Don't make eye contact.
Don't get out of your own car until you've:
a)checked your metrosexual eyebrows in your rearview, and run your baby
finger over both of them.
b) Checked your hair, and run your fingers through it a few times
c) Made sure that I'm far enough away

If your child is screaming his head off in the bank.
Make sure that you:
a) Stand directly behind me
b) Pick him up so that he's directly at ear level
with me so that I can get the full effect of his blood curdling shrieking.

That's all for now.