My 2 Second Shelf Life

Ok..so I told her that I was asking her questions that my readers had for her.
Her response was:
"Tis iss kind-a stoopid, no?"
"No, Ma..."
"Ok. I gonna play dis gayme mit yu an yu friend"

M.E. Asked:

What the hell does straw have to do with a camel's back?
"I don no dis sayink. Vat? Is tis from da Englan? Look in da encyklopdedya. Der yu ken fiyn everytink"

If a rocketship were able to fly at the speed of light, would it's headlights work?
"Vat? Nou I'm da Astronat? Odkud ja znam? (From where would I know this?)"

And lastly....

Forget the stripes. Why is it, the Zebra is considered such a peaceful animal, when it happens to be one of the chubbiest creatures in Africa?
"Hou do I no? Vat? Nou I keep-a da zoo?"

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Sonja asked:
How do you get your husband to put the towels back on the towel rack nice and not jammed in between the wall and the towel rack?

"Gedda nu husban. Van av dos modern man who do samtink aroun da hous."

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Ice Queen asked:

Do these pants make me look fat?
"I don no. Don esk. Eh, mebee yu kud loos a few poun...only yu no des tinks. Pents mekka me look fet. If yu tink yu look-a fet in da pents, ver da skirts mor"

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Crabby asked:

Should I have my entire summer wardrobe altered, or should I buy an entirely new summer wardrobe, two sizes smaller?
"by-a da new klos. Bat nat too mach...hoo no, mebee yu gonna loos sam more da veights. Keep-a da old klos too...yu neve no if yu gonna need dem".

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jackson asked:

I'm asking everyone I meet: what goes with brown shoes? Can I wear these blue pants with brown shoes?
"No. Jas da broun pents, an da beige pents. Yu don vanna look bed...espeshally if you no maaarried yet."

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Chris asked:

What is the best way to get food stains out of your laundry? No matter how careful I am while eating I end up wearing half of it. Especially ketchup!!
"Bleech. Use da bleech. Or da soda bikabone (baking soda) mekka da paste mit da vater an pudda on da spat. Lev it for a leetle vile and den vash eet. Don eat-a da ketchap..tis is da garbitch food. Mekka-a nis sauce mit da tomato. Iss heltier...Yu gadda tek ker of da helt."

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Benjamin asked:

Was Radmila a good kid? Do you have a good example?

"Eh...vadamagonnasai? She's mine. Even eef she gatta sheet allove her.
Ven she no leesen, she gedda da shamars (slaps). All keeds need da shamars samtime. I remembe da tyme she lie aboud da skool. She gedda big shamars den. Even she no she earn dem like dis. hahahahah.
She's a goot gurl nou...dis iss all dat matte nou..no?

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Erik asked:

Where do babies come from?

"Ahhh kamman. Ok. Ven Rada vas leetle I tell her dat vee buy her on da piaca (open market) an ven she no goot, ve tell her ve gonna sell her bek to da gypsies. OK? Yu heppy now? Yu mas be a beeg boy...don esk me da smaart kvestshons."


Disclaimer:
All questions were answered word for word. If you don't like the answers, welcome to my world.