Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Image: Very Important Things

The Mister and I were out in the garden last night chatting after dinner, when the subject turned to our childhood memories.

Good and bad.

He got me talking about my Father, who was a real piece of work. We had a right laugh about him.
I won’t go through the long, boring story.

But, I thought I’d put in point form some of his qualities:

First vivid memory of Father/Daughter day out, I was taken to a friend of my Fathers Bakery in Hamilton, where I was introduced to a pretty lady by my father, and dumped on the proprietor for many hours. I wasn’t allowed to tell my Mother.

Gambled away a down payment on a house in one card game. (this was the deal breaker for Mama). Spent my child support money at the racetrack weekly. I know, my second stepmother told me all about how SHE gave him money to send to my mother every week. We never saw a penny.

Married 3 other women while still married to my mother – Divorcing someone is such a hastle. Why bother? A word of advice to budding bigamists…marry outside of the country that the last marriage took place in (wink), the government isn’t organized enough to cross reference marriages.

Ability to call you a kurva (whore) a minimum of 3 times in one sentence.

Handsome and convincing, would explain how he found such good women to marry.

The best defense is an offense, and he could make an argument out of thin air. You wouldn’t even know what hit you and you’d be defending yourself against outrageous accusations on deaf ears.

Hiding shots of Canadian Club in coffee was fooling no one.

Great Sense of humour
Worked well with the above in snaring good women to put up with his bullshit for long periods of time.

Creative thinker
When I was forced to live with him when I was 19 years old, he hated me leaving the house.
At all.
For any reason.
If I went out after 8:00pm, I was forced to take DeeDee (a 4 year old Doberman) with me.

Control Freak
Made me lose my job by accusing my boss of wanting to have an affair with me when my boss asked me to work a late shift once. Who needs an employee with a crazy father, who throws around outrageous accusations that could cost you your career?

Which is the master trait that cannot be achieved without the above mentioned qualities.
When I was 21 he took me to dinner, just him and I. He let people think I was his date, while I almost broke a blood vessel in my brain repeating “I’M HIS DAUGHTER” while he stood by with a smirk on his face.

No really.
Some people are just better left out of your life, even if they are your parents.