My 2 Second Shelf Life

Do your family members ever send you shit that makes you wonder if they're just trying to provoke you?

I'm still trying to figure out what point my sister (who never reads my blog) out west was trying to make with this:

RULES FOR ENTERING ALBERTA:

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight, it's called a gravel road. I drive a pickup to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are pigs, cattle and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? The No. 2 goes south and No. 1 oes east and west. Pick one.

4. So, you drive a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter-million dollar combine that we drive three weeks a year.

5. So every person in a pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. We started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi" too. We got over it.

7. If a cell phone rings when ducks are coming in, we shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat beef and pork. You want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. This applies to everyone regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we set a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

13. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of it!

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Olds College. They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickup trucks when they come home for the holidays.

16. We have more Air Force and Army than any other Province. So, "Don't Mess with Alberta".

17. Also, remember that Ralph once said, Alberta can make it without Canada, but Canada can't make it without Alberta.

Okay, I GET it...you hate Toronto.

Get in line.

For the record, as much as I'm no fan of Ralph Klein, I've never sent anything even close to this expounding the superiority the east (vs. west) to my friends and family. So, kindly, stop sending this kind of stuff into my inbox...it's just rude.

End of rant.