Smoking and Talking


My Uncle doesn't smoke anymore, but some of our best conversations and some of his best stories were told with a cigarette and coffee.

The other day I was visiting and we were talking and reminiscing about what it was like when he first came to Canada. I reminded him of a few that I remembered, and he didn't...and he told me a new one.

It went like this:

"Bora an me, ve go feeshink, an ve drivink bek hom...an ve get laast.
Bora, he mek a u-toorn an da politz dey stap aas.

Da politz-man he say,
"Yu don see da sign say 'NO U-TURN'?
and Bora say to da politz, he say:

"No, you turn...bat me o.k.!"

Da politz-man he leff an leff..an ve look at each odde an tink...
mah...he crasy.


Bat den ve see da sign...an den ve leff too."

I love these stories.
There are so many of them that I forget until he tells them again, and they never get old for me.
I suppose that it's the way that he tells them, or that I love him so much that it doesn't matter how many times I hear them.

I don't know which, and I guess it doesn't matter.
So long as he's here to tell them.

Single Chicks Myths About Marriage


It's Just a Piece of Paper
Yes.
It's a piece of paper that carries a lot of weight; in society, at the bank, and in court.
I once heard an idiot over dinner say that the fact that he didn't marry the mother of his two children and stayed with her, proves that their relationship is stronger than a marriage.

Not really.

What it proves is that he can bullshit the woman he lives with into not bothering him about legitimizing his children and making a commitment to her and his children and making them a legal family.
It keeps his options open...and since he was exposed as living a double life right here in this house, when one of our other friends recognized him as the man his cousin was "engaged" to for the past three years...nuff said.
His common law wife said that it didn't matter to her that they weren't married, a devout Catholic.

I guess that's why she wore a wedding band anyway, huh?

Common Law is just like being married.
No.
It's not.
You can walk away from "common law" without a big "marriage law" hastle.
Oh sure, you can go to court, but your rights are not the same.
Just ask anyone who's done it.

Marriage will change him.

If you believe this, I'm the Queen of Romania.

If he was a controlling, cheating, gambling alcoholic, chances are that he'll still be that after the reception.


If I have a baby, he'll marry me...

Yeah.
Maybe he will, but if he didn't love you enough to marry you without the belly, it's a miserable life you're setting up for yourself and your child.
If he doesn't marry you, you're a statistic.
Way to set up a stable life for another human being you're bringing into the world.
A child is not a K-Tel product you can send back if you don't like it when it comes out of the box.
Ask any foster parent who has taken in children who ended up unwanted.

Why do I bring this up you ask?

It's because I'm tired of listening to young single women who malign marriage until someone proposes to them, then they start planning the wedding of the century.

It's the whole "I'll piss on it until I'm getting married", that irritates me.

Oh.
And while we're on the topic...
As mama told me:
"Iz aboud da life, nat aboud da day".

That's all.

PS.
Asshole hightailed it out of the party before the woman he proved he "loved more by not marrying" before she glommed onto anything fishy going on, and we haven't seen him since...since the cousins lived down the street from us...

Put The Carny Back in Carnival

Today, on my way home...I stopped by one of those roadside Carnivals.

You know the ones....
They set up rides and games temporarily somewhere for a week or two and then move on.

I noticed something very odd.
None of the Carnys (or is it Carnies?) had tatoos.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!

In this day and age where everyone from your whore to your hairdresser has a tatoo....what?....Carnies don't have them anymore?

Heed the signs people....

Carnies sported tatoos when it was an outlaw kind of thing to do.
Years ago, only certain kinds of people had tatoos.
Sailors, whores, bikers, biker chicks, circus folk.....and Carnies...

Carnies all over the place at this roadside attraction...not one tatoo.

All the Carnies in clean clothes, no smokin'...everyone had all their teeth...what the hell is this world coming to?

The times, they are-a-changin'.

Ok..so I told her that I was asking her questions that my readers had for her.
Her response was:
"Tis iss kind-a stoopid, no?"
"No, Ma..."
"Ok. I gonna play dis gayme mit yu an yu friend"

M.E. Asked:

What the hell does straw have to do with a camel's back?
"I don no dis sayink. Vat? Is tis from da Englan? Look in da encyklopdedya. Der yu ken fiyn everytink"

If a rocketship were able to fly at the speed of light, would it's headlights work?
"Vat? Nou I'm da Astronat? Odkud ja znam? (From where would I know this?)"

And lastly....

Forget the stripes. Why is it, the Zebra is considered such a peaceful animal, when it happens to be one of the chubbiest creatures in Africa?
"Hou do I no? Vat? Nou I keep-a da zoo?"

-----------------------------------------------
Sonja asked:
How do you get your husband to put the towels back on the towel rack nice and not jammed in between the wall and the towel rack?

"Gedda nu husban. Van av dos modern man who do samtink aroun da hous."

-----------------------------------------------
Ice Queen asked:

Do these pants make me look fat?
"I don no. Don esk. Eh, mebee yu kud loos a few poun...only yu no des tinks. Pents mekka me look fet. If yu tink yu look-a fet in da pents, ver da skirts mor"

-----------------------------------------------
Crabby asked:

Should I have my entire summer wardrobe altered, or should I buy an entirely new summer wardrobe, two sizes smaller?
"by-a da new klos. Bat nat too mach...hoo no, mebee yu gonna loos sam more da veights. Keep-a da old klos too...yu neve no if yu gonna need dem".

-----------------------------------------------
jackson asked:

I'm asking everyone I meet: what goes with brown shoes? Can I wear these blue pants with brown shoes?
"No. Jas da broun pents, an da beige pents. Yu don vanna look bed...espeshally if you no maaarried yet."

-----------------------------------------------
Chris asked:

What is the best way to get food stains out of your laundry? No matter how careful I am while eating I end up wearing half of it. Especially ketchup!!
"Bleech. Use da bleech. Or da soda bikabone (baking soda) mekka da paste mit da vater an pudda on da spat. Lev it for a leetle vile and den vash eet. Don eat-a da ketchap..tis is da garbitch food. Mekka-a nis sauce mit da tomato. Iss heltier...Yu gadda tek ker of da helt."

-----------------------------------------------
Benjamin asked:

Was Radmila a good kid? Do you have a good example?

"Eh...vadamagonnasai? She's mine. Even eef she gatta sheet allove her.
Ven she no leesen, she gedda da shamars (slaps). All keeds need da shamars samtime. I remembe da tyme she lie aboud da skool. She gedda big shamars den. Even she no she earn dem like dis. hahahahah.
She's a goot gurl nou...dis iss all dat matte nou..no?

------------------------------------------------
Erik asked:

Where do babies come from?

"Ahhh kamman. Ok. Ven Rada vas leetle I tell her dat vee buy her on da piaca (open market) an ven she no goot, ve tell her ve gonna sell her bek to da gypsies. OK? Yu heppy now? Yu mas be a beeg boy...don esk me da smaart kvestshons."


Disclaimer:
All questions were answered word for word. If you don't like the answers, welcome to my world.

Eastern European Shenanegans

While I was over at Jacksons I found a hilarious link to a story about a guy who was mugged by:

"your typical teenaged buzz-cut-and-track-suit types (Poland has yet to discover the mullet)"

Then read the whole experience with the police and their typically Eastern European style of cussing.
...Laugh? Did I ever!

Read all about it here

Bravo Maciej Ceglowski.

Calaloo & Crab


I thought I'd go a little lighter in my content today.
Here is a recipe for delicious Calaloo and Crab Soup.
You need:
Dasheen Leaves or Calaloo...I prefer dasheen. It's a beautiful large leaf with a velvet like texture. You can find them in West Indian stores or Asian stores.

All chopped: celery, garlic, okra, shallots.

Crab & shrimp

Vegeta (hehe, my addition)

1 scotch bonnet pepper...just to float and remove (DON'T CUT IT OPEN)

Scald the crab and clean and chop them, as pictured here:


Wash and roll and chop the dasheen leaves:


Chop all the vegetables and put them in the pot:

and pour a pint of boiling water over all the ingredients and cook them until done.

If you like seafood, it's yum.

Crackhead smashing your passenger side window in for a pair of sunglasses and 4 bucks in change:

FREE

Searching for a non-gauging price for a new window on a long weekend:

4 HOURS

Without a car on your busiest day of the week:

3 HOURS

Price for a new installed passenger side window:

$200.00

Vacuuming up shattered glass:

$2.00

Learning to hide every fucking little thing in your vehicle when you work in the 'hood:

PRICELESS

Yu Tink-a Too Mach


I was reading this post over at Truegrit and Ilona's questions got me thinking about a lot of things.
Not all of the things it got me thinking about are related directly to her post, but some are.

I was going to comment on Ilonas post, but I had so much to say that I thought that I’d just blog what it got me thinking about.

Everybody at some point asks “why me?”.

Perhaps on different levels; for example;

“Why do I have to be the child of a crack whore?”
(and I’m not trying to be flip, because I’m positive this is a question that has been asked of someone, somewhere.)

As opposed to:

“Why do I have to be the only Debutante without a Mercedes?”

All of our “why me?” questions are relative to our personal situations, which of course you already know.
It’s just that sometimes our tolerance levels are ground down over time.

Personally, I’ve found that as I get older…I’ve resolved certain things within myself.
Not that they are actually resolved as in “end cycle” resolved but, resolved in the sense that I realize that there will never be an answer and some things just are what they are.

No rhyme or reason,
no diabolical plan,
no conspiracy
…they are just circumstances beyond our control.
That's right.
Beyond our control.

There are people that I have met in my life who are well into their 30’s or 40’s and still angry and unresolved about their parents separation or divorce.
Personally, I find this immature.

Years ago I held much resentment for my mother (yes…da madda) because of things that I so lacked in my childhood.
But then, I got to be in my late 20’s and realized that at my age at that time, my mother was raising a child alone in a foreign country, working two jobs and going to school at night…while I at that age was playing with my hair and make up while deciding where to go with my friends on Saturday night.

It put things in perspective for me.

On the divorce issue, I think to myself….”should a person have to pay with the rest of their life because they made a bad choice of partner?”

People that I know whose parents stayed together “for the kids” lived miserable lives that modeled unhealthy relationships for their children.

Yes, I agree that divorce is terrible, but it’s better than stealing a persons life.

Besides, some people never figure out what they want from life, and continuously blame and make others suffer for their own failures or shortcomings.
It's better, as it was in my life...for that one fuck up to go away and let the non-fucked up get on with it.

I think that we are all terribly flawed in our own terrible ways.

We all have secret resentments and truths that we are ashamed to admit we have…but whether or not we have them, as long as we try to do the right thing and not act on them
…what’s the problem?

I fight shit all of the time.
It’s not easy to do the right thing and not do the payback thing when you have the opportunity.
It’s hard to give up things that you want to do in order to do what is right…and we’re never totally successful.
We’re doomed to fail, because it doesn’t matter what we do, it’s the wrong thing for someone involved.

When we hide things from our children,
is it to protect them?
Or to protect ourselves?
Or both?

I remember an older cousin, when I was in my early twenties, whom I held in the highest regard, telling me that he cheated on his wife
…I was devastated.
I didn’t want to know that.
I wanted to believe that there were men who didn’t do that.
And there I was hearing that even someone whom I saw as trustworthy, decent and honest does it too
…meanwhile, he seemed to think that I would see him as cool.
I don’t want my role models to be cool, trendy and hip.

I want my role models to be stable, decent, reliable and upstanding.

I don’t want to know secrets about the people I love and respect.
I know that we are all flawed.

I don’t need the details.

I suppose I’m in denial
….but if denial is going to make my life less tortuous than I can make it all by myself…I’ll take that denial.

It’s not just a river in Egypt, you know.

My Proposal for a Change in the Use of Language.


It’s obvious that language impacts us on many different levels.
The way that it’s used separates class, race, and age.
The language you use can determine whether you are “kool” or “wack”.
Young or old. Rich or poor. Urban or Suburban.
Language has so much influence, that we cannot even use certain words anymore.
Words like “retard” or “cripple” have been banned from our vocabularies and deemed unacceptable to use.
Schools in Ontario are considering dropping the “Christmas” in Christmas Break in order to save the feelings of non-Christians by calling it Winter Break instead.
Obviously, language shapes the way we see ourselves and others, and many hyper liberals are advocates of homogenizing language in order to suit their political agendas.

Recently, I’ve noticed that the use of affixes has increased.
“O-rama”, “izzle”, “funna”, “ster”, “zone”, “ing”, “illin’”.
“Pollooza” is my personal favourite.
I’ve decided that I should start using these endings on the mundane tasks in my life in order to make them more palatable.
Here’s how I might do it…I will take a thing I don’t like, and put a positive spin on it by affixing one of these current endings that are so popular.

Think about how much more enjoyable things might be if I called my job, say “Torture-O-Rama” or damage control between employees as “shutthefuckup-ing”.
People who give me grief, “Dickster” or “Stupizzle”.
Housecleaning and cooking as “Pain-in-the-assoloosa”.
Grocery shopping as “Frustration-zone”.

You see what I’m getting at…no?
Since some advocates feel language has such a deep influence as to change the fundamental nature of the thing being described (as if), this is just my little contribution to help the job get done.

You’re welcome.

Note to the Liberal Government:
If one of those superfluous Trustee jobs becomes open…say if someone dies or something…give me a call.

Today I answered the phone to some woman who started off her spiel pretending to be concerned with how well my printer was working.
I cut her off by saying, "Can we get to the meat of this? Are you trying to sell me ink cartridges?"

She hung up on me.
Bitch.

Stupid Parking Tricks


When not in use to house shopping carts, it's obvious that it's a car park for seniors.

West Indian Parenting Tip #347


The Mister's cousin has 3 children, now all in their teens.
When the oldest one was 16 or so, there were arguments about her curfew (natch).

One time during an argument with her father, she stormed out of the room during a lecture narrated by her father, stomped up to her room and SLAMMED the door.

The next day, her father took the door off it's hinges and put it in the basement for three weeks proclaiming:
"When she own she own dor, she can slam it aaaallll she wan. But, while I ownin' de dor, der be noooo slammin' dor roun here!"

Voila!
No more door slamming.

Bwaahahahahahahh!

Friday 8:30pm

The phone rings:

Mom: "Hi haney...vat yu doink?"

Me: "I'm cooking, ma"

Mom: "Heeeeh, lele....cooking SO LATE?"

Me: "I just got home an hour ago...and the maid has the day off"

Mom: "Ya, yu mekka jokes. Vai da Meesta neva Kook?"

Me: "He does sometimes, but he gets home later than me..."

Mom: "I kaal, an yu alveys da van to be kookink....yu shood kam hom late too, an
don hev to kook, jas like heem..."

Me: "Why would I do that, ma?".

Mom: "Eh, tis is vai I neve vant to be marry again...iss too mach no fare...how's yu car? An da Meesta's car? ok?"

Is it normal to ask after the health of vehicles?

100 Things I Love
Totally inspired by LN of Stranger in a Strange Land

1. The Mister 2. My Family 3. Languages 4. movies from the 60’s 5. Poems by Dorothy Parker 6. The smell of pavement after a summer shower 7. A blanket right out of the dryer on a cold winter night. 8. My car. 9. Old school funk. 10. The first day when you really feel like it’s spring and you can smell it. 11. My oldest friend Karla (cmok!) 12. Stand up comedy 13. Ethnic food (because I can’t decide which cultures food I like the best). 14. Sitting on the front stoop on a summers night, just (as my niece says…) “chillaxin’”. 15. Ex YU movies. 16. Ex Yu Music 17. Finishing a project. 19. Hearing about the traditions of other cultures. 20. A cold beer and a cigarette. 21. New clothes 22. New shoes or boots. 23. Long distance phone calls with people I love on the other end of the line. 24. Kind neighbours. 25. Driving really late at night or really early in the morning. 26. BBQ in the backyard on a summer night. 27. Finally getting someone to understand something. 28. Any movies with drag queens in it. 29. Road trips with The Mister. 30. Gibanica 31. Foreign accents. 32. The National Anthem. 33. Mounties. 34. The song “Tamo Daleko” 35. The colour red. 36. Getting a real honest to goodness letter in the mail. 37. Kurt Vonnegut 38. Mafia movies. 39. Maps. 40. Black and white photos of the 40’s and 50’s. 41. Art Deco and Art Nouveau. 42. Middle Eastern music. 43. Pictures of Greece. 44. Old school reggae music. 45. Rohinton Mistry. 46. Pam Grier. 47. Psalms. 48. Reading blogs. 49. 60’s sitcoms. 50. Older couples holding hands and walking together. 51. Men playing with children. 52. Straight forward, no bullshit people. 53. Other people’s children. 54. The smell of fresh cut grass. 55. The smell of wood burning on a winter night. 56. Shoveling snow on a clear winter night (believe it or not) 57. Wearing The Misters T-shirts after he’s worn them. 58. Being all dressed up, and feeling all pretty in high heels with my hair done. 59. The feeling I get when the whole house is clean at the same time. 60. Drinking coffee and watching Coronation Street in bed with The Mister on Sunday mornings (Yes..he watches it too!) 61. Gustav Klimt 62. Turkish coffee and having my cup read. 63. Etta James. 64. My mother in law and sister in law. 65. Getting my car washed. 66. Listening to a good book on tape while I’m driving. 67. Listening to Dr. Laura in my car and yelling at her when she gets all uppity. 68. Serbian expressions. 69. West Indian expressions. 70. Having people over for dinner. 71. Watching kids play. 72. Gospel music. 73. Telling jokes. 74. Vinyl records. 75. Samuel L. Jackson. 76. Quentin Terantino movies.( I didn’t like Kill Bill though) 77. Getting a manicure.
78. Wendy’s salads. 79. Soup. 80. A good debate. 81. Listening to people tell stories about their lives. 82. Finding another Slav in the blogosphere (ie: Branka & Kat). 83. Driving fast when I’m “in the zone”. 84. Having a good hair day. 85. Crossing things off of my list. 86. Sidney Portier. 87. Jazz. 88. Trying a new recipe and having it turn out great. 89. Perfume. 90. Turtleneck Sweaters. 91. Ceca. 92. Sari fabric. 93. Watching my niece Kamika dance. 94. Watching my cousin Tanja Salsa dance. 95. People who like to laugh. 96. Venice. 97. Belgrade and Dubrovnik. 98. Cemeteries. 99. Photographs of people. 100. My sanity.

Let me ask you a question.



Are you a grownup?
When I ask that, I mean do you take your life and all that is in it seriously?
Would you do something that would hurt the people you love if they found out?
Would you take that chance?

Many of us are confronted with opportunities to do things that our more base instincts would enjoy, but as adults we should be able to control those base wants.
Some people justify their actions by blaming others and not taking responsibility for their own choices.
“If (insert name/relationship) was different, then I wouldn’t have had to do that”.

Truth is, this is the way children think.
Real grownups take their lives and the people in their lives seriously.

It’s true that one action can change your life forever.
One event can show someone what you are capable of and change that person’s view of you for the rest of time.

When confronted with the opportunity to feed that base whim, do you fight temptation?
Or are you swayed by your childish justifications and vindictiveness?
Do you think about the people your actions affect?
Or is the main thing of importance to you your own satisfaction?

A person can justify just about anything in their own mind if they really want to do something.
For every pro argument, there is a con argument.

See, I’m what you call uptight, and uncool.

I think about the people I love, and I care what they think of me.
God made me a terrible liar to help me stay straight, and I am thankful for that.
I am a list maker by nature, and I have my priorities in order of importance on my Life List.

I was recently called judgmental.
Thank me if you see me as judgmental.
It’s us judgmental people who afford non-judgmental people the luxury of being so without the world falling into a shit hole of chaos.

Yes.
I am a judgmental adult.
I embrace it.
I try my best to live by that higher standard.

If I fall, judge me...because I deserve it.
But, I'll probably be harder on myself than you will.

[ Sat Aug 09, 2003 repost ]
I Vant to be Alone

I vant to be lyink on da chaise longue, an smoke da cigarettes.
I vant to boz mai manservant aroun an mek him bring me da bon bons, an bekaz I am lyink down...I vill vear dis shoes.
I vanna ver da silk kimono, mit mai hair an mekap to be perfekt.

I don vanna go to da Valmart, an da grocery stor.
I don vanna clean da hous, an kook da dinne.
I don vanna run da....how yu say.....errands.
I vanna hev, how yu say...."peopl" to do dis for me.

I vanna say "fack aff, responsibilities!", "Kiss mai ess, obligatshons! Go avay! Leave me alon!"

I vanna bi like Greta an Marlena touday.

Subjects Like This Drive Me Nuts...


Cynical-C posted this entry about 13 year old Carl Rimmer who installed a DOS based messaging program on a school computer and then sent a message out saying "hey", and got a 3 day suspension from school.

This kind of thing drives Chris over at Cynical-C insane.
It does me too, but I think for different reasons.

Dave Lieber states:
"Remember, we pay the salaries of the teachers and staff. We buy the computers. We pay for the buildings in which they are used. As long as public school is public, the Beverly Sweeneys of the world need to know that it is our right and duty to look over their shoulders and question what they do."

I would like to remind Mr. Lieber that the taxpayers also pay for the maintenance of said computers as well as the salaries of the teachers who supervise the protocol of the users of those computers. It is up to the Beverly Sweeneys of the world to make sure that our taxpayers money is not wasted (money that could instead be used to purchase newer, better equipment for already cash strapped school districts) removing viruses and inappropriate material from school computers that was installed without permission by the litte Carl Rimmers of the world.

He writes:
"The first problem here is that Sweeney, a computer teacher, apparently doesn't understand the term hacking. Hacking is not using a built-in command to send a message. Hacking is defined in two general ways: 1) use of a computer to break into someone else's computer system, and 2) the sophisticated techniques used by an adept computer programmer."

Mr. Lieber is missing the point. The issue is not "hacking". The real issue is respect for equipment that is shared by a large number of people. I'm no "adept computer programmer" but I do think that a 13 year old shouldn't be screwing with the DOS of a schools' system of computers. Why should little Carl be allowed to install a program that can potentially fuck up other programs, again costing taxpayers money in repair and maintenance costs...and let me tell you, if you call someone into a school to do any sort of work, they are charging you 3 times the going rate. Everyone loves to feed at the public trough.

Public property is not personal property and shouldn't be used as though it is. What if all of Carls classmates did the same and brought all kinds of shit from home and installed it on the schools computers...how much would that cost taxpayers in repair and maintenance?
What about porn?
What if some little kid brings that in and uploads it?
Who's paying the legal costs of the suit that would be filed by the parent whose child viewed it because someone elses child uploaded it without the knowledge of the Beverley Sweeneys of the world?
The taxpayers of course, and probably Ms. Sweeney personally as well.
Liability is a fucking HUGE issue in schools, and why should they put themselves, and the taxpayers Mr. Lieber is so high on his horse about, in a position to take it?

The Toronto District School Board has a 4 page contract that children and parents have to sign before a child uses any computer equipment. Let me tell you, Carl would have been turfed here in a New York minute, and a possible suit filed (on behalf of the taxpayers) against his parents if the equipment was damaged.

But, I think what bothers me most about this is the popular pastime of bashing authority figures in the eyes of children.
We complain that children have no respect for authority.
That they have no limits, that they are arrogant and mouthy.

Well, no fucking wonder!

From commercials depicting parents as morons and children as the intelligent decision makers to articles bashing teachers for maintaining some sort of order in their classrooms...all these chip away at children's ability to learn respect for others, and the property of others.

The fact that little Carl Rimmer felt free to install software on a computer that did not belong to him, without informing anyone, tells me that he doesn't understand what is appropriate and inappropriate.

What bothers me, is this attitude of entitlement that media often seems to enforce.
"Carl was learning. What's your problem?"
My problem is that Carl was treating public property as though it were his personal property.
It's about respect for things that do not belong to you.

It's something that we are rapidly losing, and advocates for loosey goosey teaching methods like Mr. Lieber just make an eductors job harder than it needs to be.
I don't know if he thinks that teaching todays child is a walk in the park...but I'm here to tell him that it isn't.

Between the media and parents interference, demanding that their children have no discipline from teachers, less homework, easier tests, and no keeping children back a grade if they fail, it's almost impossible to do your job.

We can complain that children are coming out of school without the education that they used to get, and they are right. It's because of this attitude of "let them do whatever the hell they want"...because they're "learning at their own pace".

Yes, but you are asking for them to learn with little or no guidance.
It's not possible.

What they aren't being allowed to learn by people with Mr. Lieber's attitude is a basic life skill:
Respect and consideration for others and that everything they touch is not theirs to do with what they please.

Even if they are 'learning'

You're a Rich Girl....


I was reading a post at Shasta McNasty's about a dream she had that featured the blued eyed soul stars Hall and Oates.

You know:
"You're a rich girl and it's gone too far, but you know it doesn't matter anyway...."
or
"If you feel like leavin', you know you can go...but why don't you stay until too-morr-ow...."
or
"You know your kiss is on my..." oh well, you get my drift...

When I was a teenager, I was totally in love with John Oates.
She wouldn't allow me to stick posters up on the wall because it would ruin the paint, but if I were allowed to...I would have...

Let me get to the point,
Shasta reminded me of a memory.

My friend Sonja who visits this site, and really should have a blog, but doesn't...might remember this as my witness.

Many years ago, Sonja and I were at the now defunkt

Bamboo Club.
We were living it up watching a reggae band that my friend Roscoe was playing in, I think it might have been The Bonconganistas or The 20th Century Rebels...Roscoe played trombone in so many bands, who could keep track?

We were both quite drunk, when I looked over by the stage and said:

"Hey! That looks like John Oates!"

and Sonja said,
"Hey! You should go over there and talk to him!"

Which is a suggestion that makes a lot of sense when you're drunk...so I went over.

Did I think about what I would say?
No.

Did I consider that I was drunk and whatever I said to John Oates would sound like I was drunk?
No.

So I swagger up to him with my fifth(or whatever) glass of wine in my hand, and say:

"Are you John Oates?"

and he goes,

"Yeah"

and I go,

"Oh my God, when I was sixteen I would have died for you!"

and he goes,

"So what are you now? Semi paralyzed?"

So, anyway...we didn't get married.

Bad Parenting Bitch #728


Ok.
This is most certainly not the first time I have bitched about kids with no limits, who have been trained by their parents to think that they are the worlds pupak.
I hate those parents and if I could, I would send them all to parenting boot camp.

So, I'm at the Asian Market this afternoon, and across from the Asian Market is a Chinese Bakery. Occasionally, I stop there to get some buns or sweets for my stepson.

I don't know if you know this or not, but no one can make sponge cake like the Chinese (just so you know).

So anyway, I'm in the bakery and I've got my tray and tongs and I'm ready to choose my goods.
There is a family in the bakery with two children.
A boy and a girl who are alternating between running around wildly and opening the various containers and feeling up the buns.
The little boy has a bun he's chewing on, that his parents clearly have not paid for yet because they were still choosing what they wanted on their trays.
The little girl was sticking her snotty little hands into every container she could reach and her parents were doing fuck all to stop her.
At one point the woman working behind the counter came out and told her to stop.

She responded by wailing and throwing herself on the floor.
Mom and Dad don't do anything.
She starts to kick the table that is holding more baked goods and then grabs one of the cakes wrapped in plastic and torpedoes it at the lady behind the counter.

Well ladies and gentlemen, this is where Children's Aid would have had to come and get me if she were my child.
The father apologizes sheepishly to the lady behind the counter and mom says to add the cake to the bill.

I look at the woman behind the counter and she looks at me and I know that we are thinking the same thing.

So, I've got my tray full of buns on the counter and doesn't satan's spawn throw his soggy, saliva soaked piece of bun on my fucking tray!

Well!
"Aye!" says I, as I give him a little shove in the shoulder, and I point to the half eaten, soggy, saliva infested blob of dough touching my buns.

"Oh," says mom, "He probably thinks that it's our tray"
"Oh" says I, "It's a disgusting thing to do even if it IS your tray. I don't know if you've noticed or not....BUT YOU'RE OUT IN PUBLIC!"

Then I turned and left.
Did I want those buns after that?
No way.

Disgusting.
We go through graduated licensing to get a drivers license, but any idiot can have a kid.

Overheard at Herbies:
A guy and a woman discussing the merits of canned soup.
"Yeah, I don't like that brand, the chicken is processed".

Chickie, if it's canned, it's processed, I'm thinking.

Then Chickie says: "Yeah, once I made my own soup"
Guy: "You made your own soup?"
Like she said "I made my own house"....

Get Ready My Darlinks


My mother who is not very into the social scene, has agreed to go over to my mother in laws house for a "Big People Party".
This may sound like not much, but my mother in law loves music, loves to dance, likes to have a drink or two and a smoke. In short, my mother in law likes to have fun.

My mother enjoys nothing listed above, least of all fun.
I'm going over there to help out with the food.

Originally, my mother wasn't going to go, but when she found out that I would be going anyway, she decided to come.
Yesterday my mother called in a panic and left this message on my answering machine:

"Sine, vat tim are ve goink? Vat does she drink? I hev to by a battle. Pa, don be dis vey...yu hev to tell me...yu no I don lik dis 'et da las minuta' tings...don be smart. Call me ODMA (right away)"

So, later today...I'm headed over there with my mother.
This should make good blogging material.