Thursday, May 27, 2004 I told her that I was asking her questions that my readers had for her.
Her response was:
"Tis iss kind-a stoopid, no?"
"No, Ma..."
"Ok. I gonna play dis gayme mit yu an yu friend"

M.E. Asked:

What the hell does straw have to do with a camel's back?
"I don no dis sayink. Vat? Is tis from da Englan? Look in da encyklopdedya. Der yu ken fiyn everytink"

If a rocketship were able to fly at the speed of light, would it's headlights work?
"Vat? Nou I'm da Astronat? Odkud ja znam? (From where would I know this?)"

And lastly....

Forget the stripes. Why is it, the Zebra is considered such a peaceful animal, when it happens to be one of the chubbiest creatures in Africa?
"Hou do I no? Vat? Nou I keep-a da zoo?"

Sonja asked:
How do you get your husband to put the towels back on the towel rack nice and not jammed in between the wall and the towel rack?

"Gedda nu husban. Van av dos modern man who do samtink aroun da hous."

Ice Queen asked:

Do these pants make me look fat?

"I don no. Don esk. Eh, mebee yu kud loos a few poun...only yu no des tinks. Pents mekka me look fet. If yu tink yu look-a fet in da pents, ver da skirts mor"

Crabby asked:

Should I have my entire summer wardrobe altered, or should I buy an entirely new summer wardrobe, two sizes smaller?

"by-a da new klos. Bat nat too mach...hoo no, mebee yu gonna loos sam more da veights. Keep-a da old klos too...yu neve no if yu gonna need dem".

jackson asked:

I'm asking everyone I meet: what goes with brown shoes? Can I wear these blue pants with brown shoes?

"No. Jas da broun pents, an da beige pents. Yu don vanna look bed...espeshally if you no maaarried yet."

Chris asked:

What is the best way to get food stains out of your laundry? No matter how careful I am while eating I end up wearing half of it. Especially ketchup!!

"Bleech. Use da bleech. Or da soda bikabone (baking soda) mekka da paste mit da vater an pudda on da spat. Lev it for a leetle vile and den vash eet. Don eat-a da ketchap..tis is da garbitch food. Mekka-a nis sauce mit da tomato. Iss heltier...Yu gadda tek ker of da helt."

Benjamin asked:

Was Radmila a good kid? Do you have a good example?

"Eh...vadamagonnasai? She's mine. Even eef she gatta sheet allove her.
Ven she no leesen, she gedda da shamars (slaps). All keeds need da shamars samtime. I remembe da tyme she lie aboud da skool. She gedda big shamars den. Even she no she earn dem like dis. hahahahah.
She's a goot gurl nou...dis iss all dat matte

Erik asked:

Where do babies come from?

"Ahhh kamman. Ok. Ven Rada vas leetle I tell her dat vee buy her on da piaca (open market) an ven she no goot, ve tell her ve gonna sell her bek to da gypsies. OK? Yu heppy now? Yu mas be a beeg boy...don esk me da smaart kvestshons."

All questions were answered word for word. If you don't like the answers, welcome to my world.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Eastern European Shenanegans

While I was over at Jacksons I found a hilarious link to a story about a guy who was mugged by:

"your typical teenaged buzz-cut-and-track-suit types (Poland has yet to discover the mullet)"

Then read the whole experience with the police and their typically Eastern European style of cussing.
...Laugh? Did I ever!

Read all about it here

Bravo Maciej Ceglowski.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Calaloo & Crab

I thought I'd go a little lighter in my content today.
Here is a recipe for delicious Calaloo and Crab Soup.
You need:
Dasheen Leaves or Calaloo...I prefer dasheen. It's a beautiful large leaf with a velvet like texture. You can find them in West Indian stores or Asian stores.

All chopped: celery, garlic, okra, shallots.

Crab & shrimp

Vegeta (hehe, my addition)

1 scotch bonnet pepper...just to float and remove (DON'T CUT IT OPEN)

Scald the crab and clean and chop them, as pictured here:

Wash and roll and chop the dasheen leaves:

Chop all the vegetables and put them in the pot:

and pour a pint of boiling water over all the ingredients and cook them until done.

If you like seafood, it's yum.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Crackhead smashing your passenger side window in for a pair of sunglasses and 4 bucks in change:


Searching for a non-gauging price for a new window on a long weekend:


Without a car on your busiest day of the week:


Price for a new installed passenger side window:


Vacuuming up shattered glass:


Learning to hide every fucking little thing in your vehicle when you work in the 'hood:


Friday, May 21, 2004

Yu Tink-a Too Mach

I was reading this post over at Truegrit and Ilona's questions got me thinking about a lot of things.
Not all of the things it got me thinking about are related directly to her post, but some are.

I was going to comment on Ilonas post, but I had so much to say that I thought that I’d just blog what it got me thinking about.

Everybody at some point asks “why me?”.

Perhaps on different levels; for example;

“Why do I have to be the child of a crack whore?”
(and I’m not trying to be flip, because I’m positive this is a question that has been asked of someone, somewhere.)

As opposed to:

“Why do I have to be the only Debutante without a Mercedes?”

All of our “why me?” questions are relative to our personal situations, which of course you already know.
It’s just that sometimes our tolerance levels are ground down over time.

Personally, I’ve found that as I get older…I’ve resolved certain things within myself.
Not that they are actually resolved as in “end cycle” resolved but, resolved in the sense that I realize that there will never be an answer and some things just are what they are.

No rhyme or reason,
no diabolical plan,
no conspiracy
…they are just circumstances beyond our control.
That's right.
Beyond our control.

There are people that I have met in my life who are well into their 30’s or 40’s and still angry and unresolved about their parents separation or divorce.
Personally, I find this immature.

Years ago I held much resentment for my mother (yes…da madda) because of things that I so lacked in my childhood.
But then, I got to be in my late 20’s and realized that at my age at that time, my mother was raising a child alone in a foreign country, working two jobs and going to school at night…while I at that age was playing with my hair and make up while deciding where to go with my friends on Saturday night.

It put things in perspective for me.

On the divorce issue, I think to myself….”should a person have to pay with the rest of their life because they made a bad choice of partner?”

People that I know whose parents stayed together “for the kids” lived miserable lives that modeled unhealthy relationships for their children.

Yes, I agree that divorce is terrible, but it’s better than stealing a persons life.

Besides, some people never figure out what they want from life, and continuously blame and make others suffer for their own failures or shortcomings.
It's better, as it was in my life...for that one fuck up to go away and let the non-fucked up get on with it.

I think that we are all terribly flawed in our own terrible ways.

We all have secret resentments and truths that we are ashamed to admit we have…but whether or not we have them, as long as we try to do the right thing and not act on them
…what’s the problem?

I fight shit all of the time.
It’s not easy to do the right thing and not do the payback thing when you have the opportunity.
It’s hard to give up things that you want to do in order to do what is right…and we’re never totally successful.
We’re doomed to fail, because it doesn’t matter what we do, it’s the wrong thing for someone involved.

When we hide things from our children,
is it to protect them?
Or to protect ourselves?
Or both?

I remember an older cousin, when I was in my early twenties, whom I held in the highest regard, telling me that he cheated on his wife
…I was devastated.
I didn’t want to know that.
I wanted to believe that there were men who didn’t do that.
And there I was hearing that even someone whom I saw as trustworthy, decent and honest does it too
…meanwhile, he seemed to think that I would see him as cool.
I don’t want my role models to be cool, trendy and hip.

I want my role models to be stable, decent, reliable and upstanding.

I don’t want to know secrets about the people I love and respect.
I know that we are all flawed.

I don’t need the details.

I suppose I’m in denial
….but if denial is going to make my life less tortuous than I can make it all by myself…I’ll take that denial.

It’s not just a river in Egypt, you know.