Friday, May 21, 2004

Yu Tink-a Too Mach

I was reading this post over at Truegrit and Ilona's questions got me thinking about a lot of things.
Not all of the things it got me thinking about are related directly to her post, but some are.

I was going to comment on Ilonas post, but I had so much to say that I thought that I’d just blog what it got me thinking about.

Everybody at some point asks “why me?”.

Perhaps on different levels; for example;

“Why do I have to be the child of a crack whore?”
(and I’m not trying to be flip, because I’m positive this is a question that has been asked of someone, somewhere.)

As opposed to:

“Why do I have to be the only Debutante without a Mercedes?”

All of our “why me?” questions are relative to our personal situations, which of course you already know.
It’s just that sometimes our tolerance levels are ground down over time.

Personally, I’ve found that as I get older…I’ve resolved certain things within myself.
Not that they are actually resolved as in “end cycle” resolved but, resolved in the sense that I realize that there will never be an answer and some things just are what they are.

No rhyme or reason,
no diabolical plan,
no conspiracy
…they are just circumstances beyond our control.
That's right.
Beyond our control.

There are people that I have met in my life who are well into their 30’s or 40’s and still angry and unresolved about their parents separation or divorce.
Personally, I find this immature.

Years ago I held much resentment for my mother (yes…da madda) because of things that I so lacked in my childhood.
But then, I got to be in my late 20’s and realized that at my age at that time, my mother was raising a child alone in a foreign country, working two jobs and going to school at night…while I at that age was playing with my hair and make up while deciding where to go with my friends on Saturday night.

It put things in perspective for me.

On the divorce issue, I think to myself….”should a person have to pay with the rest of their life because they made a bad choice of partner?”

People that I know whose parents stayed together “for the kids” lived miserable lives that modeled unhealthy relationships for their children.

Yes, I agree that divorce is terrible, but it’s better than stealing a persons life.

Besides, some people never figure out what they want from life, and continuously blame and make others suffer for their own failures or shortcomings.
It's better, as it was in my life...for that one fuck up to go away and let the non-fucked up get on with it.

I think that we are all terribly flawed in our own terrible ways.

We all have secret resentments and truths that we are ashamed to admit we have…but whether or not we have them, as long as we try to do the right thing and not act on them
…what’s the problem?

I fight shit all of the time.
It’s not easy to do the right thing and not do the payback thing when you have the opportunity.
It’s hard to give up things that you want to do in order to do what is right…and we’re never totally successful.
We’re doomed to fail, because it doesn’t matter what we do, it’s the wrong thing for someone involved.

When we hide things from our children,
is it to protect them?
Or to protect ourselves?
Or both?

I remember an older cousin, when I was in my early twenties, whom I held in the highest regard, telling me that he cheated on his wife
…I was devastated.
I didn’t want to know that.
I wanted to believe that there were men who didn’t do that.
And there I was hearing that even someone whom I saw as trustworthy, decent and honest does it too
…meanwhile, he seemed to think that I would see him as cool.
I don’t want my role models to be cool, trendy and hip.

I want my role models to be stable, decent, reliable and upstanding.

I don’t want to know secrets about the people I love and respect.
I know that we are all flawed.

I don’t need the details.

I suppose I’m in denial
….but if denial is going to make my life less tortuous than I can make it all by myself…I’ll take that denial.

It’s not just a river in Egypt, you know.